At the site Well&GoodNYC there's an article called "It's just turkey: A Buddhist primer for surviving the holidays." I'm sorry I didn't find this until late last night, after most Thanksgiving dinners were consumed. But, we've still got Christmas to survive enjoy, right?
The advice comes from Carl Sheusi, a NYC holistic coach and yoga teacher who incorporates Zen teacher Genpo Merzel Roshi's "Big Mind" teachings into his work. It's good advice for anyone from families of button-pushers, or anyone who endures holiday dinners feeling misunderstood and judged.
Instead, Sheusi says, family dinners can be upaya. "If we're going to become enlightened, we need to admit our not so favorite parts of ourselves," he says. "And there's nothing like family to help us with that."
For example, when your parents ask you questions you feel are intrusive -- like "When are you going to settle down and get married?" -- accept the question without projecting the role of "judge and jury" onto your parents. Imagine the question is coming from a friend you haven't seen for a long time. Would it bother you so much then?
Sheusi doesn't say this, but I suggest also reminding yourself that all things are impermanent. The day will come when your grandparents, your parents, your aunts and uncles, will be long gone. And there will be holidays you will want to give anything to hear your mother's voice just one more time, even if she's telling you to sit up straight and get a haircut. Trust me on this one.
Hah, I’m surprised not to see a bunch of comments about this post given how universal holiday visit woes are. Upaya indeed–good way to look at it. In my family’s case, a political battle has raged between my very left of center spouse and her very right of center brother each and every Thanksgiving. However, as we all have gotten older something strange and wonderful is happening. While those two still don’t agree on much of anything (actually, all of us don’t agree with much my brother in law says, including his wife and his daughter), there is a new gentleness in the dialog. Part of it, I am sure, is Buddhist training (my spouse’s, that is). When things get too hot, she simply switches the subject to something personal–e.g., how’s your job going, how’s your health. This year in particular I saw much more how those two care for each other than how much they disagree. He was even able to note, with good humor, that part of his work as a computer analyst is for Amnesty International and the ACLU. In his own way, he works harder for liberal causes than we do, proving once again that nothing is simple.