As I've been reading commentaries on the paramitas, I notice that practice of most paramitas follows a similar three-step progression. One begins by focusing inward and "working on" oneself. Then the practice "turns around," and finally becomes one of caring for all beings.
This is particularly clear in virya paramita and sila paramita. Virya paramita, the perfection of energy, begins with character development and leads to -- I won't say "ends in" -- altruism. Sila paramita, perfection of morality, begins with a practice of renunciation and restraint and progresses to the selfless activity of compassion.
In each case, the "turning around" middle phase is described as a kind of re-dedication of practice. In some schools, the practitioner may dedicate the merits of practice to others. Or, the turning around may simply be the virtue of bodhicitta asserting itself.
It's important to understand this progression happens of itself, if practice is sincere. I don't think you can will yourself to skip to the last stage. Also, if you recognize that you haven't hit the "turning around" phase yet, don't judge yourself for it. That's very important.
The worst thing you can do is read a commentary like this one and then tell yourself, OK, I'm supposed to be altruistic. If your "altruism" hasn't risen naturally from practice, what you'll probably do is wrap a new persona around yourself labeled "Me Being an Altruist." It's phony, and it's also self-defeating. Hanging on to that persona gets in the way of sincere practice.
Also, as long as you are thinking in terms of what you "should" be, that's still a kind of self-clinging. And then (if you're as neurotic as I am) you are likely to sink into defeatism, telling yourself you don't measure up. More self-clinging.
If you simply sincerely practice, with all your fears and doubts and imperfections, the progression happens of itself. When I say "sincerely practice," it's practice without goal. It's practice with whatever is going on in your life right now. It's doing the best you can do, right now, even when "the best you can do" seems imperfect. Especially when it seems imperfect.
Remember, you're not trying to turn yourself into something else. In Mahayana, we say that everyone is Buddha. You may not feel like Buddha. (And you probably know a lot of people who don't seem to be Buddha, either.) But what that means is that Buddha-nature is your fundamental nature. It is what you are, already.
And, in a nutshell, allowing that Buddha-nature to manifest means letting go of whatever you are clinging to. So put "what I should be" aside and just practice, and the turning around will follow.
my experiance has been that once I set the intention in motion to train even when training ‘badly’ skipping meditation, breaking precepts and generally being human; the training goes on and the path unfolds in many subtle and not so subtle ways. I agree with you: “If you simply sincerely practice, with all your fears and doubts and imperfections, the progression happens of itself.” and the self is a wiley thing and it raises doubts … it fears the letting go of self and does what it can to keep manifest … and progress continues. Sometimes slowly and sometimes surprisingly quickly … for me once set in motion i doubt training can truly be stopped… maybe slowed but I doubt stopped.
My sila of monk’s vows has been a great boon to the others in my life, as well as myself, even though the Pratimoksha refers to the self-liberation aspect. On a related note, I have found that it is good to split time between being with others to benefit them, and on the other hand having quiet time to practice, study, and take care of the inside. Both are very important.
All well said. The not measuring up feeling (which also amounts to clinging to self, as Barbara says) reminds me of a story someone once told me of the archbishop, bishop and the deacon. The first two in their grand robes take turns at the altar, crying out to God that they are mere nothings. Then the lowly deacon in his rags takes a turn and says the same. The archbishop elbows the bishop and says “ha, look who has the nerve to go up there and say he’s nothing.”